You’ve seen them everywhere. Olympians.They’re all strutting around half-naked like they belong on Spike or Fx. How could a noble network like NBC jockey for these hooligans? In an era dominated by Lebron James and Tyler Perry (the current undefeated champion of comedy), the ancient Greek tradition of the Olympics couldn’t be more stale than it’s become. I’ve watched these games sparingly, as to maintain posterity as a regular human being on this planet. I fear engaging in them anymore might result in a complete departure from all sensibilities… If I had children, they would be punished if caught watching this chicanery. I am considering having children, just to potentially punish them when the 2024 Olympics in Tajikistan go down.
I digress… here are a few reasons why the Olympics suck.
Remember that time you went to that bed n breakfast with your parents in rural Vermont and the only thing to do other than go for long walks and forage for mushrooms (not the cool kind) was play fucking badminton? Well, I got news for ya… there are people out there who are so pathetic that they dedicate their entire lives to this leisure activity. It’s essentially tennis, without the hot Russian chicks grunting on every volley. Where it differs is that rather than a tennis ball, they use a SHUTTLECOCK. Yes, it’s called a shuttlecock. It’s essentially a small rubber ball with plastic wings on it. If all the other sports in the Olympics happened to be leisurely yuppie activities, (bacci ball, shuffleboard, you know… shit you can play on a cruise) I wouldn’t mind badminton at all… but you’ve got people wearing medals that Lebron James is supposed to wear (Lebron James is going to be the normal athlete most commonly referenced in this blog due to his immense talent and popularity) and that shit aint right!
Ok, now I know what you’re gonna say. “But Sonkin, pole vaulting chicks have the most slammin abs ever!” You’re right… their abs make the otherwise absolutely pointless activity watchable. But beyond their perfectly carved valleys of abdominal wonder lies complete and utter nonsense. What the fuck does pole vaulting accomplish? Is there ever a practical reason for anyone to ever pole vault? I can understand those hammer toss things and javelins and what not.. at least in the ancient days these were tests of strength and ways to get girls (and guys) to blow you. What the fuck does pole vaulting show? Look bitch, if i’m ever being chased by tigers and I happen to approach a large wall while carrying an extremely bendable yet indestructible rod, you aint gotta worry… I can pole vault over that shit! Fuck pole vaulting.
Men’s Olympic Soccer/Futbol
As a die hard fan of the game, I would love to say that I’ve enjoyed the sport’s showcase in the olympics. But then again, I could also say something like “I have a 10 inch penis,” or “my cat can move objects with it’s mind.” The common thread of all of these statements is that they’re fucking lies. Honduras beat Spain… how did they do it? Some guy named Jerry Bengston. That name is about as Honduran as Leon Sonkin. Great Britain (aka England and Wales) is captained by Ryan Giggs… who started his career when people still went to the Hacienda. I’m pretty sure he and my father play pick up games in between bridge tournaments. United Arab Emirates, a nation whose Emirate population is less than 10% somehow advanced to the knockout portion of the tournament. The US men’s team didn’t even qualify! Meanwhile, Hope Solo, Abby Wambach and Alex Morgan are both hot and dominant at their positions and have inspired legions of young girls to pick up the sport while continuously representing the States to the highest degree. I think I have more fun watching my EPL team (COME ON YOU SPURS) come over New Jersey and beat the shit out of the NY Red Bulls than this shite tournament.
Dude… stop winning so many fucking medals! Has anyone in the history of the planet ever been such a megalomanic asshole? You have records that nobody will touch, and still you want more? We have already outed you as a drug addict of the worst kind (the dreaded gateway drug, Marijuana!!!) and my proverbial children will receive a wrath usually reserved for criminals if they are ever discovered patronizing your ego. Plenty of people eat 10,000 calories a day, you aren’t special!
Not only does this sport require you to lunge forward quickly with your RAPIER (yes it’s called a rapier) but it also requires you to speak French, as the commands are all delivered in said language. Having watched an entire hour of it the other day, I came to the conclusion that the sport could potentially be great… if they would get rid of all that superfluous padding and helmet nonsense. The RAPIERS already have those ball things on the end, shouldn’t that be enough? Aside from that, when was the last time you talked to someone who participated in fencing? My dad did it back in the old country, but they also played handball and water polo… so fuck them. This is just another ivy league college sport that’s lost it’s way.
Men’s Olympic Basketball
James Naismith invented this game with the idea that one day, a man from North Carolina would reinvent the sport as he soared through the air with his Nikes and tongue outstretched. That has since happened, and we are still the best at this sport. In the 80s, we would compete against Eastern Bloc teams like Yugoslavia and the Soviet Union aka the bad guys. Since there aren’t any bad guys (North Korea sucks at basketball, as do Iran, Syria, etc) to speak of anymore, this competition doesn’t matter. With the dream team, we proved that we could assemble the greatest basketball team ever. When we destroy Nigeria, what exactly are we proving? Even when we lose, we still win! Does Johhny Akinuwara have his own shoes? Does he own part of Liverpool FC? I didn’t think so..